Governor Heineman Announces New Task Force to Study the Effectiveness of Task Forces

Dave Heineman, the state’s Republican governor, announced a new state task force to study the effectiveness of the myriad of task forces created by the governor and his predecessor Mike Johanns to delay any real action on solving Nebraska’s problems.

“No longer can my critics, like Democratic candidate David Hahn, sit back and criticize my complete lack of leadership and my inherent inability to enact any sort of practical statewide policy,” Heineman said. “This new Task Force Task Force will thoroughly investigate the effectiveness of the task forces created by me and my old boss, Mike Johanns.”

Heineman said some of the task forces the Task Force Task Force will investigate include the Water Policy Task Force, the task force investigating the overburdened case workers in Nebraska’s Health and Human Services Department, and the task force created to investigate the viability of bringing high speed broadband Internet access to rural Nebraska.

Heineman added that the Task Force Task Force will create the air of accomplishing tasks in a forceful manner while delaying the necessity for decisive action. The Task Force Task Force will also have a sub-task force designed to decide where Governor Heineman stands on various important state issues the governor has not yet revealed his standing on including immigration, the state spending lid petition and broadband Internet access for rural Nebraska.

“It’s important that the governor waits to see opinion poll results before taking any real action,” said Jangly McSpanglepants, Heineman’s appointed leader of the Task Force Task Force. “What if the Gov’ made a decision and took action before learning how popular that decision was? Anarchy, I tell you – total anarchy. And most of this stuff isn’t even our problem. Remember when the Governor said immigration was a federal issue? That means he doesn’t have to deal with it. Unless the people want him do. But if they don’t, then we don’t want to touch it. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

Heineman said he won’t decide on how effective the Task Force Task Force is until a Task Force Task Force Task Force can be formed to investigate the effectiveness of the Task Force Task Force.

“As Nebraska’s by-default governor, I’ve made one thing abundantly clear: My administration is a wait-and-see administration. Eventually there will be enough waiting and enough seeing that we can see our way through the storm of waiting,” Heineman said while visiting a local proprietor of frozen confections.

When asked by the cashier if he’d prefer chocolate or vanilla, Heineman asked the cashier to keep both machines running while an Ice Cream Task Force was formed to investigate whether chocolate or vanilla was more delicious.

Meanwhile Hahn said he’s already made his own stances clear.

“We need a barrier on the Mexico border and we need the companies that take advantage of illegal immigrant workers to pay the cost of granting the workers citizenship. I’m against the state spending lid petition, as I said weeks ago, and we need to get rural Nebraska high speed Internet as soon as possible instead of sitting on our hands to appease the big telecom companies that aren’t interested in the area in the first place,” Hahn said.

When asked by the cashier whether he wanted chocolate or vanilla, Hahn requested butter brickle.

Leave a Reply